“I’m dating, when should I have sex?”
On the first date? The third date? After a month? As soon as you lose 10 pounds?
When to have sex depends on what you want, where you’re at, and most importantly, what your needs and goals are.
“I WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP TO LAST”
If you want a new romance to go the distance, then don’t jump into the sack too soon–you’ll only fuck things up, in my opinion. Better to wait and get to know the person. Find out who they are, and what they’re looking for.
As I like to say, feel them out before you feel them up.
If you introduce sex too soon, you run the risk of it becoming all about the sex—which is OK if that’s what BOTH parties want. The other risk with early sex is early flame out. You want this thing to build.
The goal here is sustainability and longevity.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think waiting makes things hotter and more meaningful once you do start having sex. Call me anti-feminist too, because I think men like the chase. Giving it up too soon does something to their primal instincts.
If you want a committed relationship, remember TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE. Don’t be in a rush, and don’t let yourself be pressured. When the time is right, both of you will jump each other’s bones accordingly.
As for heavy necking/light petting/oral, I’d give that a few dates too.
“Yeah, but what if he loses patience because I won’t fuck him?” If he’s truly interested in you, not just interested in getting in your pants, he’ll wait. And if he doesn’t want to wait, you wouldn’t want him anyway.
By the same token, you should never use sex as a way to snag someone. It should never be used as a bargaining tool, as fellow blogger Kris Gage https://medium.com/@krisgage cautions:
“If you want a relationship, you don’t use sex to get one. You have sex in it.”
“I NEED TO GET OVER MY EX”
There’s an old saying: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” This works for some, but whatever the feeling you get from it–distraction, victory, a morale boost, or spiteful satisfaction– is usually temporary and short-lived.
Sex to get over an ex is probably a better strategy for guys who can disconnect from the emotional aspect. Most guys treat rebound sex as a triumph or ego stroke. If a guy gets dumped, he’s going to want to bone someone as soon as possible to make sure he’s still got it.
With women, it’s more complicated because sex is more complicated. For many women, sex is a way to bond and connect on a deeper level. It’s not just about getting off, it’s about getting off emotionally too.
Rebound sex for women can be the thrill of victory, or the agony of defeat if it goes wrong. It can backfire in your face (as can having sex with an ex, but that’s a whole other blog post).You may hate your ex, but screwing someone as an F-U has its perils. The same applies if you still love your ex, but with even more risks. One hasty roll in the hay with a new person not only can make you miss your ex even more, and it can leave you feeling worse than ever.
You never want to get out of bed with hurt feelings.
Post-breakup, if your feelings are still raw and your heart’s still healing, don’t get naked.
“BUT I JUST GOT OUT OF A 20-YEAR SEXLESS MARRIAGE”
What are you waiting for then? Bang away and don’t delay! Get back in the saddle, ASAP. If that means first date, fine; if that means in your car on the way back from your first date, fine too. The goal here is to restore your confidence, and feel desired and sexy again.
Whatever happens, just make sure you’re in the driver’s seat. Losing control isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but losing your power is.
“I’M HORNY AS HELL AND NEED TO GET LAID”
If all you really want is a hook-up without having to actually date, or you want something casual without strings, go ahead, it’s a free world. We’re all adults here, and being horny is human.
But as I said earlier, if you’re going to love ‘em and leave ‘em, bone and bounce, do it with the expressed understanding and knowledge of your partner, or else you’ll look like a selfish jerk.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
There are so many exceptions and caveats to all this: Like if you’re an alpha female who just wants to be serviced, emotions be damned. Or if you’re a horny guy with the patience of a saint. I know many people who had sex on their first date and got married. I know someone who waited two months to consummate, and the relationship didn’t make it to a year. Like I said, it all depends.
When it comes to sex, there are no rules, except the rules you want to make.
Whenever you decide to give it up, just make sure it’s on mutual terms, and at a time that feels respectful and right for both partners. That way, even if the sex sucks, at least no one will get screwed 🙂
I’m co-hosting a new internet radio show with my husband Robby called DONE BEING SINGLE, on the VoiceAmerica Network. Tune in live every Saturday, 12p PST for tough love dating advice, tips, and tools to help you conquer single life and triumph at love!